Humans have needs, one of those includes Christmas celebrations with gifts, so if you haven’t quite figured out what to get that ‘special’ someone in your life, look no further and see what awaits you behind door number five…
Day 5: FOR THAT SPECIAL HUMAN IN YOUR LIFE
While we lowly humans are pretty easy to shop for, that Telepath is an altogether different story. So we’ve made some suggestions that we think she’ll mostly enjoy, though ultimately you because, well, we know what you’re like…
For that special ‘stupid’ person in your life…
You affectionately call her ‘Stoopie’ behind her back, because, well let’s face it, even Ginger’s loss of limited intelligence went slower than this. Fear not, a good injection of words (and a chance in author) will revive that smart mouthed sassy Southern Belle you once fell in love with.
But a small price to pay at $11.70 to get some coherence in your Sookie back. Find it here.*
For those Late Nights
While your skin may stay flawless and pristine for the rest of eternity you may notice some dark circles under your human eyes and while you may not be especially fond of slayers, you have to begrudgingly admire their efficacy. We can only say the same for these.
Have your human look brand spanking new at the mere cost of $14.08, find it here.*
When the passion burned a little too strong…
Yes, you may be a vampire but remember the human and their somewhat inferior constitution. Nothing quite says Christmas like an industrial size box of condoms but since you’re a vampire you have no need for those, instead surprise your beloved human with a year’s supply of Yoo-Hoos instead to alleviate that signature crotch burn with this delightful dairy treat. Keep chilled.
Available in any well stocked supermarket. When in doubt, send Pam.
For those Post Human Moment Needs
We’re well aware you are sensitive of nose and while you can only chuckle when she shyly alludes to her ‘human needs’ you can’t claim it smells of roses after either. Luckily we’ve found the solution. The manufacturer claims: “After vigorous activity has occurred in the bathroom, Post-Poo Drop’s crisp citrus peel notes– fortified with rich floral elements – effectively neutralise disagreeable smells. ” Surprisingly effective!
Want no more poo-poo smells (their words, not ours) find it here for $29.00 or €25.00.
When all Else Fails…
If you do find yourself with a particularly malcontent Telepath and she’s shouted words like; inconsiderate, bastard, bustard, Mister, et. al. at you already according to many a fanfic you’re just going to have to do the following.
Just pick up a mutt from the pound, she’ll appreciate it far more than any noble breed (you fulfil that criteria already anyhow) and use this guide to help you along. We know it smells (a lot), pees (everywhere) and reminds you far too much of other hairy things vying for your precious mate’s affection (fucking shifters), it makes her happy and forget all about those ovaries that you should be exploding with the sight of ‘this’ in your arms. Just remember, happy wife, happy unlife…
*PLEASE NOTE THESE ARE NOT AFFILIATE LINKS, SOME PRICES MAY FLUCTUATE. WE STAND TO MAKE NO FINANCIAL GAINS OR OTHER FORMS OF PROFIT FROM THIS. WE JUST LIKE TO PRETEND WE STOLE ERIC’S CREDIT CARD AND WENT PAM MAD…
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